The Darkest Days
Dark are the days
Since my sunshine was taken away
Upon my darkest hours
Is when I don’t see a future without her
Wondering what the point is
Of living this life with no bliss
Feeling like faith has betrayed me
Leaving me with only memories
Of what used to be
Dark are the days
Missing the love I knew
Searching for her in everything
That is beautiful, pure & true
Not a day goes by
That I bow my head down & cry
Missing our sweet angel
That now flies through the sky
Even on the darkest days
We go on & put on a show
Pretending everything’s alright
It’s better that no one know
Dark are the days
When we realize with words unspoken
Nothing will bring her back
And our hearts will remain forever broken
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the phrases, “You are so strong.” “You’re the strongest person I know.” or “Keep strong.” Not only after my daughter’s passing, but throughout my life in general.
I’ve never known how to respond to that. How do you respond after all, when it’s the last thing you feel? I’ve often wondered what the real meaning of strength is. Is it just passing life’s constant tests, trials & tribulations- the 3 T’s? Do you have to pass in flying colors, or does just barely count?
When our beautiful girl passed while visiting my mom in Bolivia, we were surrounded by immediate & not-so immediate family members on my mom’s side. Family members & friends that I’ve only met & seen less than a handful of times throughout my life, only because they live several thousands of miles away. The only real bond & connection we had, is that we are family. But that is all they needed to carry us through that first week of hell.
From day one at the hospital, they never left our side. They arranged for all the services afterwards & help with bringing our baby girl home. Thanks to them we survived those first few days.
Coming back home on a late flight, our family here was waiting for us at the airport. Just passed the gates, we arrived to our loved ones waiting with open arms, waiting to take us in, hold us & protect us. Exactly what we needed.
Our first night home, on the steps of our house there were flowers, cards & balloons of sympathy from family & friends. Not only ours, but Hailey’s too. Heartbreaking, but sweet.
From then on again, it was the support of our amazing family, friends, co-workers & the community we live in that made it bearable to breathe, in this new world of pain we were living in.
We were flooded with calls, texts, emails, cards, home visits, food, & offers for help in any way. My sister & a friend set up a fundraising page to help with the medical & funeral expenses. It was amazing how many people- out of the kindness of their hearts, donated. People we knew & didn’t know, or who just knew Hailey. Tears poured as I read all the messages, specially of the ones remembering our daughter. “Hailey was a beautiful girl inside & out. She was always smiling. She was so sweet. She will never be forgotten.” etc, etc.
For as long as I live, I will never forget.
During the beautiful memorial service or Celebration of Life, arranged by our wonderful family also, we gathered again with loved ones & friends. So many that just came to tell us how much Hailey meant to them.
For as long as I live, I will never forget…
What is strength?
Strength is when Hailey’s sisters & cousins volunteered to read hymns during the memorial mass in front of so many people & were able to do it beautifully….
Strength is when Hailey’s little sister Bella wrote a letter to her sister, to read at the burial service in front of family & did it beautifully…
I hope they will remember that always, specially in the future, when grief makes its surprise visits. I hope that in return, by remembering, it will give them back some of that same amazing strength it took to stand there & demonstrate that simple act of love for their sister.
I know it does for me & as long as I live, I will never forget.
The truth is we don’t feel strong at all, but we know we have to be.
We are only still standing, because we are all leaning on one another.
We’ve only made if this far, because of all the wonderful people in our lives.
We are forever grateful, because we know not everyone is this lucky.
We are all still here, because of our love for daughters. All 3 of them.
In times of grief, when the darkness threatens to swallow us whole, I think about all the others waiting in the light. Watching & waiting to pull us out, without even having to ask. Maybe, this is what keeps us strong.
Perhaps, that is what strength is. The ability to accept help of others, with the knowledge that there is a light…somewhere in the midst of all the dark.
: the quality or state of being physically strong
: the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force
: the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way
Up until last April, we used to be a ‘normal’ family of five. My husband, our 3 beautiful daughters Kayla, Hailey, Isabelle & I. We were not perfect, but we were happy. Our daughters ages 15, 10 & 9, have always been our world.
We were living life like most- the best we could, to the best of our ability. Sailing through, managing even through all the storms. There was always love there. We are good people.
But bad things happen even to good people.
And it happened to us. The worst imaginable thing that could ever happen…
On April 20th, 2015- while on a family vacation to visit my mom, we lost our 10 year old daughter Hailey less than 24 hours after being diagnosed with Type One Diabetes.
I hate using the word “lost” because I feel more like we were robbed.
We were robbed of our innocent little girl, without even getting a chance to fight for her life. She was here one moment & gone the next.
Blind-sighted. Shocked. Devastated. Denial. Disbelief. Guilt. Broken.
These are just some of the words that pop up in my head as I write this. As parents- how did we not know she was sick? How did we not pick up on any of the signs? Unfortunately that is the nature of this disease. We know this now, but we didn’t know it then.
A year later, we are still learning. We are still grieving. We are still holding on, even if only barely. But comfortably knowing there will be many below, to catch us if we fall.
But we don’t want to fall. We want to honor the life of our daughter & have her memory live on. Hailey was beautiful inside & out. She was sweet, smart, funny, sassy & the sunshine in our lives. She was truly an angel.
So I’m here to tell you, what happened to us can happy to anyone. It can happen to you.
It keeps happening……Other lives have been lost to Type One Diabetes since…and it’s heartbreaking each time. Even the ones that remain, still have to battle it daily. This disease does not discriminate. Please read & educate yourself & educate others. It might save a life.
I can’t say we are a normal family anymore. Our lives & hearts have been shattered. We will probably spend the rest of our lives trying to repair.
If we have gained anything at all by our loss, it’s the knowledge that we grieve so deeply because we love so deeply. We have opened our eyes to what is really important. And we know we have a beautiful angel watching over us & we will try our best to live our lives in her honor, with her spirit, always by our side.
Even on the days when we question the universe, all we have to do is remember our love.
And love, we have learned, always overcomes.
Letter to our Hailey:
“You are who you are, and you are what you are supposed to be.” H.A.E
You were just six years old when you said this out loud one day. I thought it was such a clever thing to say; something from the “out of the mouth of babes” category. Of course I had to share it on Facebook like most- my favorite place to share all the details of our lives. Specially anything to do with you & your sisters.
Funny quotes, sweet pictures, school events, family vacations…the list goes on. So many memories. It’s all there.
Looking back, I can clearly hear the annoyance in your voices & see the rolling of the eyes, “Mommy are you posting that on Facebook!?”
Why yes, yes I am.
Almost 6 years later, memories is all that I have left of you.
I can’t be thankful enough that I was one of those cheesy moms who took so many pictures. That proud cheesy mom who posted every note, card & quote. I don’t think I would of remembered it all.
Specially now, that everything is still a big blur. It’s been a year since you’ve been gone from us & we are still trying to make sense of it all.
You are who you are & you are what you are supposed to be?
Who are we now that you are gone? Where did you go? Was this the way it was supposed to be?
The only promise we can make, is that we will try & honor your life the best way we can. Our sweet Hailey.
This is a start.
We love & miss you. Every single minute of every single day.
Fly high, our Haileyfly.